A story of being unheard and hurt
Back to when it started
Quite frankly, I can’t remember when exactly it started and in my head it probably began when I was 14 years old.
Since I was 2 years old, my parents had hired a babysitter, to take care of me and my brother while they both worked in the day. After school, I would go to her place, shower and eat there before my parents came and picked us up at night.
In real life, I address my babysitter as “auntie”. So I’ll do the same in my writing, it helps me to recount my past in a more authentic manner.
When I grew older, “auntie” started to teach me how to wash my own plates and utensils. So after I ate finish, I would proceed to wash my own dishes. This was no problem with me as I’ve seen how much time and effort she took to cook scrumptious meals for her own family of four, as well as my brother and I.
However, as time passed, she would ask tell me to help wash all the dishes in the sink after I was done eating. She would say: “吃完饭后，水盆里那几个碗帮我洗一下”. And bear in mind, there were dishes left by other family members.
What went on in my mind
I was so puzzled… why could the rest leave without washing the dishes, while there’s me, the “designated” one who would do so at the end of the day?
I was a teenager then, barely even close to 20 years old. I just couldn’t comprehend why every other adult in the house couldn’t or didn’t have to wash their own plates and utensils after meals.
Whenever I washed the dishes, I was almost always alone in the kitchen. Everyone had “retreated” to their own rooms or leisure corners in the living room. The kitchen, as I remembered, was dim lit and a little stuffy. I felt invisible.
Did anyone else see the amount of dishes I was handling?
Soon, the puzzlement turned into frustration.
Why wasn’t the rest washing their own dishes? Why was I washing everyone’s dishes?
It felt so unfair
As a kid I felt powerless against the adults. But at least, I was older than one person, my younger brother. However, he also had the “green light” of leaving his dishes in the sink. It didn’t make sense to me!
Sometimes I questioned out loud why he didn’t have to do the dishes, other times I insisted that he should wash his own dishes too. Either way, I was always scolded by “auntie” for “making a fuss”, that I should just do the dishes since it’s such a simple task, “几盘碗而已”.
That one time I had an angry outburst
There was once, all the pent up frustration turned into anger. When my father came to pick me up, I threw a tantrum right at the doorstep. I recalled raising my voice and exclaiming, “为什么弟弟不用洗碗!” (“why didn’t my brother need to wash the dishes?”).
In response, “auntie” let out a huge sigh and said “哎哟, 不要那么计较“ (“don’t be so calculative”). Her younger son, a tall man already close to his thirties, was also there in the living room. He added, “不要吵啦“ (“don’t be noisy”). As for my dad? He just ordered me to stop being a nuisance and took me home.
Every time I rewound that incident in my head, I felt awful and mad. No one listened to me. No one cared to understand me. No one stood by me. It felt like everyone back then thought I was causing a scene unnecessarily and just wanted me to be quiet. I felt so unheard.
In present day, as I’m writing about this incident, I’ve come to realise that it had hurt me deeply and scarred me on an emotional level. Writing about this and sharing it publicly is one way to help me heal.
Feeling unheard
After the incident, the way of things stayed the same, unfortunately but unsurprisingly. I was still told to wash whatever dishes were in the sink after I finished dinner.
I have tried to tell my mum about the unhappiness I’ve experienced in “auntie”’s house. And I recall that she told me that “auntie” was 12 years older, so she had to respect “auntie” as an elder. From my point of view, my mum had chosen to follow the supposedly right culture / tradition of respecting one’s elders, over standing up for me as a mother. Is it wrong for me to be upset with her too then?
I’m not sure… but what I do know is that there was a young child who needed support from her mother then, but failed to receive it. And she felt abandoned and struggled to feel safe within her own home.
Hello, is anyone there?
I found it terribly hard to believe that anyone would want to listen to my point of view, much less empathize with me. So, I slowly withdrew and kept to myself more. No one seemed to care about what I have to say or feel, so what’s the point? No one wants to be invalidated too.
Eventually, the frustration brew into resentment. I swept all my unhappiness under the carpet, and bore a lot of bitterness in my heart. Even when I turned 20, deep within I was still a child with a lot of resentment.
A mixed pot of emotions
When I look back at those memories, I could still feel it. Feeling fed up at the preferential treatment from “auntie” towards boys and girls. Feeling resentment towards my brother and possibly every other male in that house. Feeling despair and hopeless from that “blow-up” incident. Feeling angry at my parents for not standing on my side. Feeling upset that I was way too obedient and felt like I ought not to cause any more “trouble”. Feeling troubled that in the name of maintaining peace and harmony, unpleasant feelings were ignored.
Poor child, if I had been there, I would have listened to you, stood up for you and protected you.
Stepping up for younger me
Really, I’m glad I grew up, because adult me can better protect myself and advocate for my own needs. When I started university, I decided to stop going to “auntie”’s place and informed my mum about my decision.
It was a strange feeling. Having grown up in her house since I was a toddler, I kind of thought I would be there forever, like my second house. It was a bittersweet feeling. I was biding farewell to a place of my childhood memories. While also giving myself some space away from a source of unhappy experiences.
Ending Note
Sharing this story of mine gives me a chance to process my past experiences again, hopefully in a clearer light. To my younger self, here is my endearing message to you:
“Your feelings were valid and I see you. You weren’t being difficult or calculative. You didn’t deserve to be unheard and hurt by those around you. Be rest assured, I will do my best from present to be there for you and stand up for you.”
p.s. I’ve also mentioned this experience in another article, but with a different focus.
Thank you for reading!